The Prussian Bible
by Kaiser Wilhelm III
Summary: An 'historical' account of how Prussia became the bestest country in all of space and time; told with the eloquence of the King James Version of the Bible.


In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Holy Roman Empire. And the Holy Roman Empire was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the vacuous trees of the Black Forest.

And God said, 'Let there be light!' and there was the Hohenzollern Dynasty. And God saw the Hohenzollern Dynasty, that it was good: and God divided the County of Zollern from the Duchy of Bavaria. And the evening and morning were the first day.

And God said, 'Let there be political stability in the Holy Roman Empire so that it may be at peace for eternity!' and there was — silence. The void remained unchanged despite the order of God. And God heard this silence, that it was not good: and so God said again, 'Let there be political stability in the Holy Roman Empire!' and there was — a second silence. Thus God summoned a thousand angels from Heaven to enforce his wishes, and they arrived before him. And God spake to the angels, and commanded them to enforce his wishes, and so they charged bravely into the void. Yet they did not succeed, and returned before him with battle scars of syphilis and Habsburg Jaw. And so God had created a stone even he could not lift: bringing political stability to the Holy Roman Empire. And the morning and the evening were the second day.

Thus God summoned the serpent Lucifer, for he was more powerful than any of the other beast of the field. And God said unto him, 'How dost thou fare, Lucifer? For it has been many moons since our previous acquaintance.' And Lucifer replied, 'Yeah it's been a while. Now cut the King James Version bullshit before I turn all the frogs in Egypt gay.' And so God agreed, and he told Lucifer of his situation. And the morning and the evening were the third day.

And both God and Lucifer returned the next morning to solve the problem which God had created. Such had been decided that a human with the powers of a God would be created as a solution. And in the creation of this Earthly God their powers and strengths were amalgamated in a great pillar of fire, and all of the Kings of all of the lands of Earth viewed it and recoiled in fear. And so was created the Count of Zollern, who God called Burkhard I, and God said unto him, 'Ye shall be fruitful and multiply, and are the father of many nations.' And Burkhard was so destined to become a great King who would bring stability to the Holy Roman Empire. And the morning and evening were the fourth day.

And Lucifer grew distrustful of God, and feared the power of Burkhard in alliance with him. And so Lucifer said unto God, 'Wait wait wait — on second thought, how the fuck can we just allow some random German Count to have not only the powers of a God, but powers stronger than either of us?' And God was so persuaded, and said unto Burkhard, 'Let this new God be as a mortal in life, but let him rule over a divine Kingdom for eternity after death!' and there was created a second Heaven for Burkhard and his descendants to rule over the Earth for eternity. So the powers of Burkhard I were revoked until his death in another pillar of fire. And God saw these changes and that they were good. And the morning and the evening were the fifth day.

And Lucifer returned to God again, and from him demanded to be repaid for his work, as he had fallen two days behind on his soul torturing for he had been occupied in the servitude of God. And so God said unto Lucifer, 'Thou can'st be repaid for money is not used in Heaven.' Yet Lucifer was not in the pursuit of money — and so paused before subsequently replying to God, 'Then give me your forgiveness.'

And God knew not what to say, so Lucifer spake on the behalf of God. 'I'm sorry, and I repent. I beg for your forgiveness.' He knelt down and bowed his head in capitulation, but God was unmoved. 'You, who has betrayed and violated my trust out of impious spite and hatred, who holds no faith in me, and who is motivated even now be selfish profit cannot be forgiven.' When Lucifer rose to object he commanded, 'Thou shalt never return to my presence, Lucifer, begone with thee to the Hell from which ye shall never return!'

Thus the two again became enemies. And as Lucifer was now banished from Heaven, even just to visit casually as he liked to do for Heaven has much better golf courses than Hell, his social life was thus ruined. So Lucifer vowed to exact his revenge on God. And the morning and evening were the sixth day.

And God realised that on the seventh day his work was not done, so he could not rest. Thus neither Burkhard I nor any of his descendants or subjects would ever rest, and would work eagerly all seven days of the week from birth to death shouting 'Gott mit uns!' at one another continuously. And God also realised that the name of the consort of Burkhard I had been lost to History, yet he needed a wife, and so he said unto him, 'Ye shall reproduce asexually as I forgot the name of your wife.' And so Burkhard yelled loudly as he painfully excreted a son, who he named Friedrich I. And the morning and the evening were the seventh day.

And God looked out over his creation and saw that it was, well — good enough for him to absolve himself of any responsibility, and thus returned to heaven and left Burkard and the Hohenzollern Dynasty to bring political stability to the Holy Roman Empire.


End file.
